I started out on the route to fatherdoom when I was 25, with my first child, Poppy. Five years ago, with my 2nd wife, at the ripening age of 46 we had Fredrik. This was a surprise as my wife had not previously been able to conceive. We said it was because we had found true love with each other. I have a 24, 21 and 15 year old from my first marriage. So you might think I was well drilled in this. However, if you ask me, parenting is not a skill you require with repeated practice, it is an Art form and at times quite messy, abstract, impressionist and surreal.
I was the working dad for Fredrik's early years, like with my other children. I was not the absent dad, I got involved and most of the time was about for them. I juggled a career along with my wife. About two years ago though, my wife gave up work to be able to have more time with Fred. She had that very common disorder, guilt, had she harmed him not being around, what would his early baby memories be, we have all been there with our loved ones and it seems to inflict mum's more than dad. Will there be a day when dads ask themselves the same questions when setting out on their careers.
This year though was marked by my early retirement as my employer downsized and let me go. Fortunately for me my wife can earn a good salary. So we sent her out to work and I stayed at home. We all I think, were filled with trepidation. Leaving a man to look after himself can often be a risk, leaving him to look after a 4 year old! I did try to explain that my CV was good in this area. Look, all my previous children made it to their teens and older, relatively unscathed, yeah but you were not at home full-time, there was a safety net, they sent you to work.
So, at 51, I was unleashed onto my 4 year old, just as he started school, now thats cool. I reckon on a shift pattern something like 7 am -9 am, break, in which I have free time. Then 3.30 pm to 7 pm, maybe 6.30 pm if wife gets back early, she does bedtime. That guilt thing again. As he sleeps through now, no night shift. Weekends, well darling you have missed out so much this week, you take him swimming, maybe the park and you should have some cosy time together too, snuggle on the sofa with a good movie. It has got to be a breeze, hasn't it?
I stated my website for many different reasons but the primary one is that I have a memory like a colander, in fact it is more like a black hole. So, if I forget something to tell the wife about our amazing kid, it'll be on the blog somewhere. When he is older and wants a story about his childhood. Son check out this website.
I also started, or did not start many other things as I entered full-time fatherdoom and so the list below just grew. It is a list that tells it as it is but it also evoked some reflections on what happens as you grow as a father and what becomes important. It is also very true.
Stuff we are not doing
(or '30 things not to do' or what a once wise old dad discovered when he could grow his hair and had the power to refuse to have it cut!)
1. finishing redecorating the master bedroom - it just seems a low priority and most of the time when we are in there, our eyes are closed. If not closed, they are focused on a book, quite close up because my reading sight has gone. The third option...well who is going to look at the paintwork when your occupied in that way.
2. repointing the brickwork on those parts of the house where the damp now intrudes - this seems quite a technical job
3. starting the repainting of the hallway and other worn parts of the house - this seems a thankless task because as soon as it is completed Fred's dirty hands are all over the place, lets wait to he has left home
4. even contemplating repair and painting outside windows (36 of them) in time for winter - that just seems a soul destroying job unless you are an obsessive
5. keeping on top of the gardening - hey look at all the butterflies we attract
6. tiling the kitchen - another technical job
7. redesign and refurbish the downstairs bathroom - big technical job
8. CUTTING MY HAIR - I will not have it for much longer so why give it up voluntarily
9. cutting the hedge outside - not really a technical job but does involve a powered machine with sharp chattering teeth, so need to check house insurance policy for self injury cover
10. cleaning the car on a regular basis - it gets dirty again
11. looking to supplement my pension income - my wife works and earns a bloody good salary
12. cleaning the house - just so technical, the electrical things you push, different specifications of cleaning materials, mop heads and my wife just does not trust me on that one so she has brought in some specialists
13. stop ruining my best clothes by painting ('the arty type') in them, instead of changing - inspiration catches you unawares, its like incontinence following birth or in my case old age
14. showering on a regular basis - deodorant seems to do the job just as well and each time I get in the shower it reminds me I have not done 7
15. tidying out the garage - what just to put more things in there
16. returning CDs and DVDs to the library on time and therefore not incurring big fines - what with the one week hire policy, how am I suppose to remember that
17. stop buying more music when my collection will probably play for longer than I will now live for - you can never be spoilt for choice when it comes to music
18. drink coffee from certain branded stores when we have some really good local coffee shops - thats a no brainer and they are so much better. Support your local run coffee shop.
19. reduce my payments to overseas charities working in countries with dodgy political leaders - it is not the poor and the vulnerable who put the guns in the hands of their leaders but the traders and other corrupt regimes who do so
20. make my love conditional for my children or my wife - if unconditional love of me was good enough for my mother, it should be good enough for for my kids and close ones
21. ride a motorbike - my midlife crisis was a divorce and that nearly killed me and cost a lot more than a Harley
22. I am never going to have to work for my last organization again and that is so good a feeling - to be able to walk away from a dysfunctional employer is such a luxury when jobs are hard to come by
23. see Frank Zappa live and that is a great regret - however I did see Patti Smith, Bruce Springstein and the Cuban Brothers and these are things you should do before you die
24. my children are not going to see their grandma (my mother) as she died before most of them were born and this increasingly is a source of sadness - there are just some things you have to learn to live with and grief can be a strange thing, it comes around as you grow and your own family grows. You feel new events and moments cannot be replicated with people who are so important to you but are now gone, never if you can break the bonds in your family.
25. I am not going to fit into a 30 inch waist again - but does skinny suit the older gentleman anyway
26. forget that my older kids continue to need me - and increasingly access to my bank account
27. not going see the final installment of the Harry Potter film - for whatever we might say it has been a remarkable cinematic journey
28. let the past predict my future - I can take the values of my mother but I do not have to take the script that my parents followed, so give your kids values not a script to follow and let them write their own and be determined by the future not history. Help them to bring forth solutions for themselves and those around them
29. I am not going to do you down - people seem to be so able to discredit themselves and their achievements, what right do I have to criticize. Always try this with your kids, nurture not 'neuture'.
30. CUTTING MY HAIR - it has to be said twice to mark the little bit of anarchy I find I can yield now that I am that older dad. If you have no anarchy what hope is their for your children!
I was the working dad for Fredrik's early years, like with my other children. I was not the absent dad, I got involved and most of the time was about for them. I juggled a career along with my wife. About two years ago though, my wife gave up work to be able to have more time with Fred. She had that very common disorder, guilt, had she harmed him not being around, what would his early baby memories be, we have all been there with our loved ones and it seems to inflict mum's more than dad. Will there be a day when dads ask themselves the same questions when setting out on their careers.
This year though was marked by my early retirement as my employer downsized and let me go. Fortunately for me my wife can earn a good salary. So we sent her out to work and I stayed at home. We all I think, were filled with trepidation. Leaving a man to look after himself can often be a risk, leaving him to look after a 4 year old! I did try to explain that my CV was good in this area. Look, all my previous children made it to their teens and older, relatively unscathed, yeah but you were not at home full-time, there was a safety net, they sent you to work.
So, at 51, I was unleashed onto my 4 year old, just as he started school, now thats cool. I reckon on a shift pattern something like 7 am -9 am, break, in which I have free time. Then 3.30 pm to 7 pm, maybe 6.30 pm if wife gets back early, she does bedtime. That guilt thing again. As he sleeps through now, no night shift. Weekends, well darling you have missed out so much this week, you take him swimming, maybe the park and you should have some cosy time together too, snuggle on the sofa with a good movie. It has got to be a breeze, hasn't it?
I stated my website for many different reasons but the primary one is that I have a memory like a colander, in fact it is more like a black hole. So, if I forget something to tell the wife about our amazing kid, it'll be on the blog somewhere. When he is older and wants a story about his childhood. Son check out this website.
I also started, or did not start many other things as I entered full-time fatherdoom and so the list below just grew. It is a list that tells it as it is but it also evoked some reflections on what happens as you grow as a father and what becomes important. It is also very true.
Stuff we are not doing
(or '30 things not to do' or what a once wise old dad discovered when he could grow his hair and had the power to refuse to have it cut!)
1. finishing redecorating the master bedroom - it just seems a low priority and most of the time when we are in there, our eyes are closed. If not closed, they are focused on a book, quite close up because my reading sight has gone. The third option...well who is going to look at the paintwork when your occupied in that way.
2. repointing the brickwork on those parts of the house where the damp now intrudes - this seems quite a technical job
3. starting the repainting of the hallway and other worn parts of the house - this seems a thankless task because as soon as it is completed Fred's dirty hands are all over the place, lets wait to he has left home
4. even contemplating repair and painting outside windows (36 of them) in time for winter - that just seems a soul destroying job unless you are an obsessive
5. keeping on top of the gardening - hey look at all the butterflies we attract
6. tiling the kitchen - another technical job
7. redesign and refurbish the downstairs bathroom - big technical job
8. CUTTING MY HAIR - I will not have it for much longer so why give it up voluntarily
9. cutting the hedge outside - not really a technical job but does involve a powered machine with sharp chattering teeth, so need to check house insurance policy for self injury cover
10. cleaning the car on a regular basis - it gets dirty again
11. looking to supplement my pension income - my wife works and earns a bloody good salary
12. cleaning the house - just so technical, the electrical things you push, different specifications of cleaning materials, mop heads and my wife just does not trust me on that one so she has brought in some specialists
13. stop ruining my best clothes by painting ('the arty type') in them, instead of changing - inspiration catches you unawares, its like incontinence following birth or in my case old age
14. showering on a regular basis - deodorant seems to do the job just as well and each time I get in the shower it reminds me I have not done 7
15. tidying out the garage - what just to put more things in there
16. returning CDs and DVDs to the library on time and therefore not incurring big fines - what with the one week hire policy, how am I suppose to remember that
17. stop buying more music when my collection will probably play for longer than I will now live for - you can never be spoilt for choice when it comes to music
18. drink coffee from certain branded stores when we have some really good local coffee shops - thats a no brainer and they are so much better. Support your local run coffee shop.
19. reduce my payments to overseas charities working in countries with dodgy political leaders - it is not the poor and the vulnerable who put the guns in the hands of their leaders but the traders and other corrupt regimes who do so
20. make my love conditional for my children or my wife - if unconditional love of me was good enough for my mother, it should be good enough for for my kids and close ones
21. ride a motorbike - my midlife crisis was a divorce and that nearly killed me and cost a lot more than a Harley
22. I am never going to have to work for my last organization again and that is so good a feeling - to be able to walk away from a dysfunctional employer is such a luxury when jobs are hard to come by
23. see Frank Zappa live and that is a great regret - however I did see Patti Smith, Bruce Springstein and the Cuban Brothers and these are things you should do before you die
24. my children are not going to see their grandma (my mother) as she died before most of them were born and this increasingly is a source of sadness - there are just some things you have to learn to live with and grief can be a strange thing, it comes around as you grow and your own family grows. You feel new events and moments cannot be replicated with people who are so important to you but are now gone, never if you can break the bonds in your family.
25. I am not going to fit into a 30 inch waist again - but does skinny suit the older gentleman anyway
26. forget that my older kids continue to need me - and increasingly access to my bank account
27. not going see the final installment of the Harry Potter film - for whatever we might say it has been a remarkable cinematic journey
28. let the past predict my future - I can take the values of my mother but I do not have to take the script that my parents followed, so give your kids values not a script to follow and let them write their own and be determined by the future not history. Help them to bring forth solutions for themselves and those around them
29. I am not going to do you down - people seem to be so able to discredit themselves and their achievements, what right do I have to criticize. Always try this with your kids, nurture not 'neuture'.
30. CUTTING MY HAIR - it has to be said twice to mark the little bit of anarchy I find I can yield now that I am that older dad. If you have no anarchy what hope is their for your children!
30 more things to ex
RSS Feed
